The Hardest Thing
by pinkiepoo04
Summary: When Edward broke up with Bella. This is how Edward feels about the whole thing!


EPOV

Do you know how it feels when your heart gets ripped out of your chest? Or how it feels to cause pain to the reason for your existence? I do and it sucks. I feel empty inside and wish the dull pain would go away but it won't because I left..._her_. It had already been a month since I left..._her_. See I can't even say her name because it brings the pain back full force. I haven't seen my family since that day and I know they are hurting by this also but I can't bring myself to care right now. The memories of that day will always haunt me. Even when I try hard to forget. I know I told her that it would be easy to forget but in all reality our kind never forgets.

FLASHBACK

When Bella returned home from school that day, the start of the worst day of my non existing life began. I was going to do the worst blasphemy ever. I was going to hurt my love. As we were walking through the woods, my body fought with itself to not touch her. I had to remain unattached and unemotional. We finally got to a little opening about a mile from her house.

"Bella, we are leaving." I told her without looking at her. I chanced a look at her and I could tell the wheels were spinning inside trying to figure out everything,

"Ok, I thought I had another year but..." I had to stop her before she could continue. I knew I had to do it but that didn't mean I was enjoying it. _You're doing this to keep her safe. She doesn't belong in your world_ my head was insisting.

"Bella, it's time. We can't stay in Forks any longer. Carlisle is claiming thirty-three and he looks twenty-five." We stood there and she must have seen the look on my face. I tried my best to look cold and unattached. Inside my unbeating heart was breaking especially when she came to the realization.

"When you say we..." she said quietly. This is where the hurting her gets worse.

"I mean my family and myself." I looked away from her as soon as I said that. I knew if I continued to stare at her, she would be able to see the love I still had for her. I had to remain cold and unattached. I chanced a look at her and she was looking at the ground, biting her lip hard. I wanted so bad to save that lip and crush my own lips to her. I wanted to hold her in my arms and tell her that I couldn't do it. I couldn't leave her, but I have to. I have to keep her safe and this was the only way. She tried to hard to fight for us; she really did so I knew I had to step it up. This is where I put the final stab in both of our hearts.

"Bella, I don't want you to come with me."

Inside I was dying. I might as well as ripped her heart out myself. I spotted tears come to surface and her lip starting to bleed. Imagine that, her lip is bleeding and the monster in me isn't affected by it.

_It because you love her too much and you're doing the worst possible thing to her, _my inner monologue was telling me. With tears in her eyes and a shaky voice she spoke.

"You...don't...want...me?"

Hearing her say that and believing my lie, killed me even more. More tears started flowing down her face after she said that. I had to end this now. I had to get out of here. My will was breaking and I had to do this to keep her safe.

"No!" I looked at her and I saw that she believed me. How could she believe me when I had told her many times I loved her more then life itself? That hurt worse knowing she believed me but what I expected. I was convincing.

"Will you promise me that you will stay safe and not do anything stupid or reckless for Charlie? He needs you. I will make a promise to you in return. I promise that you won't see me ever again. It will be like I never existed." I kissed her on the forehead and remained there a little longer but before she could say anything, I told her good bye and I ran.

END OF FLASHBACK

That day was the last time that I not only saw her but also my family. Alice has tried many times to call or text me but I never answer. It only brings back the guilt and pity that I have tried hard to squish. I thought about returning to them but the thought of being around a bunch of people that love each other hurt. So, I tried tracking down Victoria but I lost her trail. I think she was planning mind games with me but as long as she is far away from her I don't care. I never stay in one place for long. I distract myself with things that don't remind me of her and when things start to get rough and the pain is unbearable I move. The distraction of a new place lasts about a day, after that all I can do is think about her. It keeps getting harder and harder each day to stay away. There are a couple times that I've made it to the Washington state line and I turn back around. I had to keep my promise and I just relive the pain of that day again. Alice has texted me with a vision of me returning but I will try my hardest to make sure that vision don't come true. I can't bring her back in this world after how hard I've tried to keep her out of it. I wish that they would understand that.

FLASHBACK

The phone rings and I know who it is before I pick it up.

"What, Alice?" I try not to get mad but when she is constantly calling or texting me, it's kind of hard.

"Edward, I had a vision." It was like she was almost happy so I knew it couldn't be good.

"Cut to the chase Alice , I want to get back to what I was doing." I wasn't really doing anything and she knew that. I just wanted off the phone.

"And what is it that my dear brother is doing?" I could tell she was smiling and that made me even angrier.

"Get to the point Alice."

"Well someone's testy today." Again she smiled.

" Alice ..." I was losing my patience.

"Ok, ok. I have seen you returning back to Forks. You and Bella get back together. I still see her as a vampire." That was the last straw. I had worked too hard and hurt her worst then I could to just go back and everything be ok.

" Alice stop right there. There is no way in this world will I EVER go back to her. She doesn't belong with us. Now drop it."

"Edward, what Jasper did..." I stopped her. Could she not tell what she was doing to me? Could she not tell how much I was hurting but yet she continues this conversation.

" Alice what Jasper did was normal. I should've never thought she would be ok in our world. I don't blame him. Now I must go remove the knife you just stuck in my unbeating heart." I closed the phone to end the conversation before she could say anything. I sat in the chair with my head in my hands and dry sobbed like I'd done every day since I left.

END OF FLASHBACK

When she leaves this Earth I won't be far behind her. Being away from her is one thing but staying on this Earth when she isn't is another. For now she is better off and will grow old with someone that will grow old with her. No matter how much it hurts to know it won't be with me.


End file.
